I’m supposed to be funny.

Specifically, “Seinfeld” funny. Or at least that’s what my esteemed colleague has aggressively requested. Which means I need to magically adopt a “what’s the deal with…” observational wit. Cake!

What’s the deal with Marshawn Lynch being fined $11k for the “obscene” gesture of turning mid-air in a triumphant leap and grabbing his crotch after lumbering 79 yards through the entire opposing defense? What happened to the days when “my dick is bigger than your dick” was not obscene but essential and honorable? In another context, perhaps if he were clad in chain-mail and armor and leaping off a horse after a successful joust, he would be venerated by ladies and lords alike for such a graceful reminder of his phallic power. Granted, I might be summoning an abnormal Romantic vision of the Medieval era here in wishing that dick tugs were somehow chivalrous and socially appropriate. Or when this wouldn’t have been excessive but juuuuust right.

How do you like that, Fuller? Here’s what you should do. Go back and read this again, and right when you hit this point, imagine me as Lynch, turning to you, my defeated opponent, and giving you the ole “how do you do?”

$11k well spent.

8 Comments

  1. dasfuller

    Holy Christ, man. You’re hopeless.

    Reply
    1. Luigus (Post author)

      WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

      Reply
      1. dasfuller

        Go watch the first three seasons of Louie. Right now. Then try this again.

        Reply
        1. Luigus (Post author)

          I…I can’t do it. I’m a lesser Louie.

          Reply
          1. dasfuller

            Then go watch Danger 5 to at least learn the comedic power of the arbitrary and disjointed.

  2. Luigus (Post author)

    I’m pretty sure I nailed that here.

    Reply
    1. dasfuller

      No, what you nailed there was pedantic and tedious. Now go read those two essays I just emailed you.

      Reply
      1. Luigus (Post author)

        Yeah, but…fine. Off to reading.

        Reply

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