cookies for sale!

From the Girl Scouts’ online marketing campaign about “The Business of Cookies“:

Buying Girl Scout Cookies is about so much more than just handing over money for a box of treats. It’s about the skills a girl gains from interacting directly with you – the cookie customer! It’s about the experience of running her very own cookie business and working with others – learning important lifelong lessons along the way. That’s why we encourage you to buy your cookies from a Girl Scout – the Cookie Professional! – and not from her parents.

Listen, I’m all for empowering young girls to emerge into an economic, market-driven culture with some measure of agency, but holy shit, the idea that this capitalistic training organization is presenting its ideals as somehow ethical or holistic (learning important lifelong lessons?)…I’m not buying it. And maybe that’s crazy of me to even suggest, that not everything is for sale.

Visit the link above and take a closer look at the badges that young girls can earn on their way to becoming Cookie Professionals! Oh, and please note the unmitigated enthusiasm that accompanies this trajectory, conveniently signaled by exclamation points. Yes, consumerism is a cause for joyous celebration, and the Girl Scouts is a great place to learn how to operate successfully within this parasitic paradigm! Is your daughter a bit too idealistic and compassionate and interested in doing something more than stuffing her neighbors with sloth-inducing, chemically-laced treats? Tame that shit and sign her up for the avaricious entrepreneurial endeavors of the Girl Scouts cookie cutter programs!

Before long, she’ll proudly wear the fruits of her labors with the Girl Scouts’ exclusive line of consumerism badges. Yes, as she climbs the ranks of the Cookie’s crumbling hierarchy, she’ll showcase things like: “Money Counts,” the ethically ambivalent “Making Choices,” and “Count it up.” Because if it can’t be measured financially, it’s not worth a damn. Same with you, dear!

But don’t think it ends there! Oh no, that’s just for the Daisies. Girls can keep going to eventually achieve Ambassador status, where they’ll earn badges like “Good Credit” and “On My Own.” Because it’s America, and you do everything on your own! If you don’t, it’s totally your fault!

In case market logic isn’t deeply ingrained by now, there’s more along the way that will keep your daughter’s eye on the prize: eternal dissatisfaction. Watch as she collects other honors: “Money Manager,” “Savvy Shopper,” “Comparison Shopping,” “Budgeting,” “Financing My Dreams” and “Financing My Future,” and of course, important to every young child, “My Portfolio.”

That’s right, your girl is no longer excluded from the selfish asshole mindset of Wall Street! She’ll learn enough business acumen to effectively marginalize and objectify everyone around her as means to her own financial success! I guess that’s one way of achieving gender equality, by making us all like the terrible men who got us stuck in this mess in the first place.

So the next time you’re nibbling on…well, let’s be honest here…devouring a box of Thin Mints (TM) in one sitting, know that you’re helping our youth perpetuate an economic way of thinking and living that will continue to poison the possibility of healthy human relationships for years to come! Thanks, cookie consumer!

 

This post made possible by the hilarious title from Adam Fuller’s post today.

3 Comments

  1. amandaburnhamrfp

    Yo, as the #2 cookie seller in the state of Mississippi in 1986, I’m just gonna say: don’t think for a second that any self respecting girl scout actually sells any of the cookies herself. That’s what parents with workplaces are for. When was the last time you saw an actual girl scout going door to door with an order sheet? In this day and age?!?

    Also, I mean, c’mon. The Girl Scouts are actually pretty alright, man! For one thing, they don’t exclude gay people from participation like AHEM some other scouting endeavors you may come across.

    And do you really want to live in a world without thin mints?!

    Reply
    1. dasfuller

      They don’t exclude gay people because gay people are just like everybody else with money in their pockets. That’s the difference between these two gendered scouting endeavors: one sells to “outsiders” and one sells to “insiders.” The Girl Scouts are the former, and the Boy Scouts are the latter. When you’re only selling to yourself, you don’t need “the gays.”

      Reply
  2. Luigus (Post author)

    I take back none of my hyperbolic criticism of their marketing. I applaud their cookies, and all the girls doing their thing out there.

    (Whose parents got #1?)

    Reply

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