The reviews of the new Star Wars movie are terrible

I’m not saying the reviews of the movie say the movie is bad.  I’m saying that the reviews themselves are bad.  Because I don’t give a doodiddly-iddly fuck about spoilers, I’ve been reading a few reviews here and there this morning, and they all immediately remind me of this video of folks reactions to The Phantom Menace.  The most representative of all these reviews is this one over at Boing Boing.  Here are some sample quotes, spoiler-free for you weaker beasts.

Action, humor and heart are present—as are Chewbacca, Han, Leia, C-3PO, R2-D2 and yes, Luke Skywalker. This offers immediate familiarity and appeal, but the new characters are immediately likable, and I felt invested in their stories right out of the gate.

Kylo Ren, played by Adam Driver, is an effective villain, both in design as well as his struggles with his demons and temptations. The alteration of his voice, though a mask, is deep and unsettling, yet distinctively different from Vader. I had some trouble banishing Driver’s character from HBO’s Girls from my mind when I saw his face without the creepy mask and voice.

The new droid, BB-8, is tiny and cute and lovable. (He reminds me of my silly, fluffy dog Lucky.)

Other non-human characters employ practical make-up effects and puppetry, some even having a classic Jim Henson feel to them. The only negative thing I can say about this is that … I wanted more creature characters. This is Star Wars, after all.

Lastly, though I never thought it possible, I love Chewbacca even more after seeing The Force Awakens. He’s still Han’s sidekick, and doesn’t get too much of the spotlight, but he’s given truly in-character, humorous and heartfelt moments. I left the theater with the same wish that I had as a kid: wanting a giant, furry bestie who will always be at my side, ready to rip arms out of sockets for me.

People, if you want to know what a bad workshop review reads like, this is it.  It’s everything I complained about last week.  It’s not focused on plot structure, themes, or characterization.  It’s only about how this particular movie-goer felt while watching the movie: “I liked this character because he reminded me of my dog!” and “I loved this other character because he reduces me to an infantile state where shitting myself was perfectly acceptable behavior.”

Again, this sort of reaction/reviewing has proven to be the worst possible way to judge a brand new Star Wars movie.

Also: don’t buy into the hype, people.  It’s just an all-American marketing scam designed to separate you from your money.

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