Okay, so millennial = white, right?

Here’s a statistic you definitely don’t care about at all, especially if you’re an aloof, affluent white person. (Hi there! This is a blog, but I know you’re plenty familiar with the concept. You know, that thing where you type shit into a vacuum about your “enlightened” diet for people who go and write about the same exact thing, white circle jerk style.) Unfortunately, this statistic is targeted precisely at you!

Alright already, the statistic: only 1 in 5 millennials has ever had a Big Mac.

I know. Crazy, right? How did it take so long for us to research the privileged consumption patterns of millennials? Thanks, Business Insider, for this crucial story.

Now why, you might ask, are so few millennials enjoying le Big Mac? Because, as a group of definitely pleasant, peachy white people will tell you, they prefer classier options. Places like Shake Shack and Chipotle. I mean, come on. Three buns? What millennial wouldn’t be flabbergasted by such gastronomic blasphemy? Nowhere in the beloved Big Mac jingle does it mention this carb menage a trois, so how are unsuspecting customers supposed to just accept that middle bun?

But before we dare to question what “special sauce” McDonald’s might poison millennials with, we should wonder: who qualifies as a millennial? It’s an important question. Because we all love labels and being apart of something larger (i.e. better) than ourselves. And it’s a real battleground for entry into this exclusive club. So what does it take to be a millennial? The sample size in the video linked above is small, yes, but it feels comprehensively representative of what millennial leadership is looking for when they’re considering someone for admission:

  1. White

And that about covers it. At least as far as Business Insider is concerned. Because how funny is it to subject a bunch of white people to lowly McDonald’s? Sure, there are probably other qualifiers for millennial status, like cis-gender, heterosexual, able-bodied…really, too many normal things to name. And since they’re normal, they’re unnecessary to bring up anyway. In the end, rest assured that millennial is just another way of saying American, which has always been a way of saying White.

Aren’t you proud to be an American, where at least you know you’re free?

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