Here’s why I’m probably not ready to commit to an enduring meditation practice (besides the obvious reality that it requires consistent labor and attention and commitment*): I downloaded 3 phone apps. Because nothing says mindful awareness like splitting myself in three.**
So why not try one app? Why not try just meditating, ya know, app-less? It’s likely that all I really want to do at this point is promise myself that I’m going to do something good for me, which, in my deranged, dumb brain, is as good as fulfilling that promise.*** As far as I’m concerned, I’m already meditating.
Meditating doesn’t work like reading. There’s nothing to complete. A classic, according to Mark Twain, is “something everybody wants to have read but nobody wants to read.” Meditation, I’ll argue, is something everybody wants to have done but nobody wants to do. In both cases, when you actually read the book or meditate, you realize how fulfilling it is, even if the experience itself didn’t prove very pleasant. Unfortunately, this knowing doesn’t make you want to read another classic or meditate; instead, it thrusts right back into that state of going, “can’t I have done this already, please?” That’s primarily where I am. Begging for meditation to have already happened so I can take care of more important things. As if in not reading a classic you’re somehow doing something “better.”
What’s more important than taking care of myself? I know meditation will serve me, and yet, here we are, me writing about why I’m not meditating (and kind of praising myself for it?) instead of just Nike-ing it. Dostoevsky was right: man will do anything to prove he’s not a piano key. Piano keys don’t need to meditate to be, and I’m not a piano key, so I do need to…wait….no….shit! Damn you, Logic!
*Consistent commitment? Ah sweet redundant description…
**Let’s be blasphemous and say I’m taking care of the Father, the Son, and, lest we forget, the Holy Spirit. If God is a trinity, and I am God, then I am a trinity. Therefore, 3 apps. (Thank you, Logic. Valid is better than sound anyway.)
***I’m not sure why I even need a promise as a middle man. It’s not facilitating anything.