On missed connections

Tired of relying on Craiglist’s “missed connections” section to defeat the point of serendipity? Fortunately for you, there’s a way creepier version being offered by Match.com!* If you’ve ever wanted an easier way to stalk that stranger you see at your local deli** every lunch, satellites are at your service in this inevitable destination of the space race. No doubt when the Soviet Union launched Sputnik in 1957 they hoped that one day someone would take their technology and make it so all comrades could hook up in such robotic fashion.

In fact, the Soviet government was planning to arrange marriages this way, taking eugenics to another level. The idea was to make people stick to their geographic circles even more exclusively, creating peaceful enclaves of like-minded (and like-gened) citizens that would cease the need for war and consolidate political control on an unprecedented scale. With people meeting and fucking and manufacturing babies so easily, politicians and corporate leaders (one and the same in this paradigm) would optimize targeted marketing and profit margins. The people, meanwhile, would be so satisfied within their newly created bubbles – consenting to this reality without ever understanding how or why and so living out the illusion of free will – that they would never dare to question their leaders nor this atmospheric predetermination. It’s kind of like redlining, but with sex.

We now must wonder if America, ever the Soviet hater because like, yeah, socialism works in theory*** but that’s the end of my understanding of socialism so I hate it…we must now wonder if that America is bringing this project back to life. Is Match.com the Circle (and no, I don’t mean a movie with an interesting premise but no emotional weight, character development, or logical narrative arcs)? Before you answer that question, please note that I have no idea why I asked it. Let’s just conclude that the ultimate missed connection was the Soviet Union and the United States of America.

And maybe that was really the point of the Cold War: it was an escalating cry of desperation for love. Or as Dr. Strangelove depicted it, a dick measuring contest, except in this one, everyone was secretly hoping that Johnny and Sergei would measure each other’s dicks and end up blowing one another. It’s a match!****


*Apparently this shit’s been out since January. I only just saw a commercial for it while watching House Hunters. Do only desperate single people watch House Hunters? (Guilty…well, around my mom, at least…which I’m seeing as extra pathetic now that it’s visible to me as a written sentence.) I guess that makes more sense than married couples imagining shit they’re already living. Better to fill single people’s heads with even more unrealistic expectations. Like finding your “true love” with the killer combo of algorithms and satellite surveillance.

**Probably not the location you imagine for stalking, and so I say to you, sir/madam/some-combo-of-the-two, why not a deli? Check your bias, yo.

***I’d love to know the numbers on how many people have anything to say about socialism past this absurd reduction.

****In Soviet Russia, satellites sex you!

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